Long day at the VA Hospital

What a miserable freakin' day. I think you know the routine by now, don't you? I get up two hours before I leave, take my meds, sit here 'til I get some pain relief, dress and head out to the hospital. Today was an unusual day. I had two appointments at the VA Hospital in Tampa. That wasn't the unusual part. My first appointment was at 9:30 in the Women's Center. My second appointment was at 3:30 in Orthopedics.

Do you see the time difference there? I suck at math but even I can see there is a six hour wait between appointments. Is that right? I said I suck at math and I'm too lazy to pull up my calculator --- Yep, I was a lazy student. Can you tell? What kinds of idiots do they have working in Central Appointments? Do they even look at the other appointments that you have scheduled when they go to put in a new appointment? I think it's a game to them. Let's see how long we can keep this veteran here. Let's see how miserable we can make them. That's gotta be it.

I got up this morning and turned on the computer. Sad about Senator Kennedy. I knew it was coming . My sister and I talked about it 15 months ago when the diagnosis was first announced. We wondered how long he would last. You see, our mother had the exact same diagnosis. We knew there was no chance that Senator Kennedy would survive this. My mother lived only 13 months after she was diagnosed. So long, Senator Kennedy.

I got to the VA Hospital a little early so I actually had time to sit outside and have a smoke before I mustered up the nerve to go in and walk down to the Women's Center. They really need to get me a mobility scooter soon. The walk to the Women's Center is getting longer and longer. By the time I get there, my limp is more pronounced, of course my pain is more pronounced and I'm just flat out TIRED!

There are three clerks who work the desk at the Women's Center. It's a huge clinic. Two of the clerks I like. Today I was checked in by the one I don't like. I was already in a bad mood. I don't know how she got the job. Her communication skills are horrible. I wonder how she got the job. I won't insult anyones ethnicity by trying to guess hers. She doesn't speak English very well and she doesn't understand it well either. When I get stuck with her, I torture her. I make her say the name of the street that I live on. Philatelic. Native English speakers have a difficult time with it. She slaughters it.

After she checked me in, I asked her if my doctor was on time with her appointments. When I ask her a question I usually get the same canned, robotic response. "Yes." I suspect if I asked her, "Would you like some chocolate covered cockroaches," I would get the same canned response. She said, "Yes." Robin, one of the clerks that I do like, rolled her eyes at Ms Canned Response and told me that my doctor had been called out on an emergency but would be back as soon as she could. I hobbled over to the waiting room and sat down and began to wait.

When I got to the waiting room there were only three of us. I hobbled over to the far wall and sat with my back to the wall so that no one could walk up behind me. I sat there so that I could see who was approaching me. I always sit that way whenever possible. I've done that for as long as I can remember. A habit developed in the military, I suppose. The longer I waited, the more crowded the waiting room got. It was getting so crowded that I started to feel closed in. This big fat woman sat down to the left of me. You know her. She tries to take over part of your chair with her thighs, she wants all the arms rests, she snorts, and she does a million other annoying little things. You know her. You want to slap her, too. Right? She was saved by my doctor. Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, my doctor returned from whatever emergency she was on and came to get me for my appointment.

I'd been sitting there for so long, I was having trouble getting up. I dropped my cane. I couldn't pick up my back pack. I had trouble getting out of the chair. Not one person out of the 9 or so women sitting in that waiting room, not even the fat ass woman who was sitting next to me, offered a hand. It took me what seemed forever to get out of that chair. I struggled to pick up my backpack, sling it on, get my cane off the floor and start walking. Usually I refuse help. But an offer would've been nice. Bitches.

My psychiatrist looks like she is 12 years old. Seriously. But she seems like a good kid and she is trying to do right by me so I'm going to stick with her for a while. I've requested copies of my medical records to see what she's written about me. I'll make my decision after I read what she has to say.

When my appointment was finished, I came back out to the main area to make a followup appointment. There were several women gathered around the clerks desk/check-in/out area. One of the nurses asked, "Aren't there any chairs left in the waiting room?" One of the women who was sitting against the wall replied, "There is a man sitting in there. He's making me very uncomfortable. I can't sit in there with him." Tell me, Guys ... and this isn't a slam on you ... but if you know that your wife, spouse, partner, significant other is going to a womens center, and there are women there who are uncomfortable with men, why are you there? Why can't you wait in the cafeteria? You're wearing a hat that says you're a veteran. Surely you know that a lot of these women suffer from PTSD due to military sexual trauma. Why the hell are you there? Do you not understand personal space? You're not there for your own appointment. This is the WOMEN'S CENTER! GO AWAY, PLEASE!

Okay, enough of that rant. Onto the next topic. I'm wired tonight for some reason. Can you tell?

My next mission was to stop by Release of Information to get copies of my medical records. I've been lax on that lately. I walked down there ... there are literally miles and miles of hallways at the Tampa VA Hospital. I'd take pictures but they don't allow cameras in the facility. I got to Release of Information and there were seven people ahead of me. After a 45 minute wait it was finally my turn. There were two things I hoped to accomplish. First, I wanted copies of all my records since June to include mental health (you have to specifically ask for mental health or you won't get them). Second, I wanted copies of the C&P exams that I took last week. I found out that the C&P exams aren't in my medical records. Those are kept at the VARO. Interesting. Every other C&P Exam I've ever had is in my medical records. I know this because I have copies of them that I got by requesting my medical records. I'm going to withhold requesting copies of my C&P exams for now. I don't want to do anything that will delay my claim.

Going a little off track here ... I got an email from someone yesterday who told me their friend just completed a C&P at Tampa VA Hospital and received a decision from the St Pete VARO three weeks later. One can only hope. Keep your fingers crossed!

My last appointment of the day was in Orthopedics. Let me remind you, invisible reader, that I take 90mgs of morphine and 600mgs of topirimate (topomax) daily for pain. I walk with a noticeable limp and a cane. If I know I'm going to be on my feet for an extended amount of time, I take my wheelchair with me. I can't sit for more than an hour. Basically, I'm in pain 24/7. Got that?

So I go in to see Dr Miller. He's a second rate Ortho doctor at the VA Hospital. Another one I'm not quite sure how he got his license. Maybe he found it in a Cracker Jack box. Or possibly he went to school in a Third World Country. I think I've written about him before. Even the other Ortho guys up there talk shit about him behind his back. Sometimes he and I get along and sometimes we don't. Today we didn't get along. I want a better brace for my knee. Something that will support my knee so that I'll quit falling down. If I quit falling down, maybe I'll stop injuring my shoulders. Dr Millers argument is that my xrays from May look good, therefore there is no problem. It doesn't matter that the CT scan done later than that was abnormal. It doesn't matter that I'm in constant, chronic pain. It doesn't matter that my knee is twice the size that it should be. It doesn't matter that it feels like I have a knife driving through my knee at all times. The xrays are fine so I'm fine according to Dr Miller. He gave me a brace but told me that I need to work on my quads. I know that I need to work on my quads. It's not my fault they don't fire. The Army fucked up my quads in 1988. It was the Army who put me in an immobilizer for almost a year. My leg atrophied so bad that my quads have never recovered no matter how much work I've put into them. HOWEVER, the pain is not in my quads. The pain is in my friggin' knee and no one will listen to me. What's wrong with these people?

It was almost 4:00 by the time I finished up with Dr Miller. Prosthetic's closes at promptly at 4:00. Have you ever heard of a civil service employee who didn't clock out exactly on time? I was so tired and sore by the time I left his office that I knew I couldn't get down to prosthetic's before they closed, so I didn't pick up my brace today. I have three appointments on Friday. I'll get it then.



One good thing today .... Since I had such a long break between appointments I was able to go to my favorite restaurant for lunch. Crazy Buffet in Tampa has the most amazing all you can eat sushi buffet I've ever seen. I'm not normally a fan of sushi on a buffet but this shit is good. It's fresh. They make it right there behind the buffet and you can watch them make it. The best part is the cost. Ten dollars. Yep! Ten dollars. I can eat a lot of sushi for ten bucks. Normally I eat 30 or so pieces. Today I only got down about 16 pieces. I've lost a lot of weight the last several months. If my scale is accurate, 50 pounds in the last 4 or 5 months. But it was still worth 10 bucks. It was worth every dime. Try eating that much sushi for ten bucks anywhere else. I double dog dare you.

So while I was wandering around the VA today trying to kill time, I made my way up to the second floor. They have a little mini PX up there. Across from the little mini PX is an empty room they rent out to civilian vendors. The vendors change from time to time and they sell all kinds of different things. There were two different vendors in there today. One vendor was selling cheap, cheesy jewelry. Really tacky crap I wouldn't even put on a kid playing dress up. It appeals to the wives of the old veterans though. I don't know why. Maybe their eyesight is so bad they can't see how ugly it really is.

The other vendor was selling hats and pins. Commemorative stuff. Veteran stuff. You've seen them. Unit designators. Branch of service type hats. Service Ribbons. Stuff like that. I was looking for anything that recognized women veterans, specifically the Womens Army Corps. Back in '76 when I enlisted, I didn't enlist into the Regular Army. My enlistment contract put me into the Womens Army Corps. So I asked the guy if he had anything for women veterans. Get this. Are you ready for this shit? He pointed at a pink baseball cap that said "Army" on it. I shook my head in disbelief. I asked him if he was kidding. I asked if he had anything with Womens Army Corps and he said he didn't carry that stuff. There wasn't enough demand for it. So I said to him, "Don't women veterans matter? How many women buy those pink hats from you?" He said, "Not many." Well, that should tell you something, you idiot. I walked out.

Yep, I'm in a shitty mood today.

Do you know that today is Women's Equality Day? Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki knows it. I find it totally ironic that while I was having a perfectly miserable day at the VA Hospital, this was released today. All I can say is that I'll believe it when I see it. Read the following press release from the Department of Veterans Affairs. I'm out of here for the night.

Until the next time ....

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

August 26, 2009

VA Pledge to Women Veterans on Women’s Equality Day

WASHINGTON – Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric K. Shinseki pledged today on Women’s Equality Day that the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) will work to ensure the nation upholds its obligation to meet the needs of our Veterans – including women Veterans.

“Our Veterans deserve the very best care. Anything less is unacceptable,” Secretary Shinseki said. “If we are to transform VA into a 21^st century organization, we need to continually improve our services to women Veterans.”

Although VA has long provided equal benefits to women Veterans, the Department has embarked on new initiatives to meet their unique needs. These initiatives include:

· Comprehensive primary care and specialized medical care at every VA medical center;

· Enhanced mental health care specifically for women Veterans;

· Staffing every VA medical center with a women Veterans program manager;

· Creating a mini-residency on women’s health for primary care physicians;

· Supporting a multifaceted research program on women’s health;

· Improving communication and outreach to women Veterans; and

· Continuing the operation of organizations such as VA’s Center for Women Veterans and the Women Veterans Health Strategic Healthcare Group.

“During this observance we should remember the special contributions and sacrifices of the 200,000 women currently serving in the armed forces and 1.8 million who are Veterans,” Assistant Secretary L. Tammy Duckworth said.

Women Veterans are one of the fastest growing segments of the Veteran population. They comprise 7.5 percent of the total Veteran population and nearly 5.5 percent of all Veterans who use VA health care services.

- More -

Women Veterans 2/2/2/2

VA estimates women Veterans will constitute 10 percent of the Veteran population by 2020 and 9.5 percent of VA patients.

For more information about VA programs and services for women Veterans, please visit: www.va.gov/womenvet/ and www.publichealth.va.gov/womenshealth.

# # #

My C&P Exam. I should've written this last week but ...

I finally had my comp and pension exam on August 20th. For my civilian friends who are following this, it's the exam the VA makes you go through to determine just how "disabled" you really are. Sometimes you luck out and you get a good doctor who is sympathetic to your cause/case whatever you want to call it. Those are the ones who will move heaven and earth to get the VA to decide in your favor.

Sometimes you aren't so lucky. You go in for a physical exam and you see a PA or even an RN. I never understood how a PA or an RN were qualified to give a through physical exam. I suppose on appeal those would be the cases easiest to win but when dealing with the VA even what makes good sense ... well, you can't count on it.

I had two exams scheduled. They never tell you ahead of time what your C&P exam appointments are for. They make you guess. I assumed and you know what they say about "assume" ... one was for orthopedics and the other was for psych. As a reminder, I reopened my claim in October 2008 for an increase in my left knee, service connection for my right knee as a secondary condition, 100% for individual unemployability, aid & attendance and depression as a secondary condition due to my service connected conditions. That's a lot to ask for in one claim.

My first appointment was scheduled at (let me refer to my calendar because of course I can't remember) 10:00 a.m. My friend, JoJo picked me up at 8:00 because the C&P clinic wasn't at the VA Hospital in Tampa although it was somewhere nearby. I'm a freak about arriving early. I use the GPS but even a GPS can be wrong so I always leave extra time in there for GPS errors. The problem with leaving at 8:00 means I have to wake up no later than 6:00 a.m. I'm not sleeping well so I was going on little sleep.

We arrived at the C&P clinic with 15 minutes to spare. I'm glad we left early. I didn't have to wait long to get in. The nurse brought me in for a prescreen. Weight, blood pressure, temp, that sort of thing. I asked her if I was seeing a man or a woman. When she told me I was seeing a man, I felt my skin start to crawl. I told her that I wanted a woman in the room during my exam. It either had to be a nurse or my friend. I didn't care who was there, but I made it very clear that I did not want to be in the room with a male doctor alone.

Surprise, surprise. No doctor. I was seeing a PA. All my medical issues and I was seeing a physicians assistant. I know PA's go through a lot of education. But most of the PA's I know specialize in one area. By no means am I disrespecting PA's. But every other C&P exam I've ever had, I've seen a specialist for each field i.e., ortho, internal medicine, etc., for each issue that I was claiming. I feel that you get a better evaluation that way.

The PA I saw, and if he told me his name I've already forgotten it, was a nice enough fellow. I don't think he did a thorough exam though. As far as my knees go, he didn't ask me anywhere near the questions that I've been asked in previous exams. He didn't take the measurements that previous ortho doctors have taken. I knew more about an ortho C&P exam than he did but I was already so upset I didn't think to tell him what to do. That's right veterans, tell that doctor what to do if you think it will help your case. I should've had him measure how much muscle mass I've lost in my left leg and I was so upset, I forgot. That measurement bumped me up to 40% on my last increase.

When he touched my left knee during the hands on exam, I almost flew off the table. I take meds because it's hyper sensitive. They suspect it's that way because of the 8 times they've had to cut into it. He left that knee alone. I suspect he was afraid he might get kicked somewhere vital. The right knee isn't as bad but it does feel like I'm being stabbed with a knife and there is gravel in the joint. The worse my left knee gets, the worse it aggravates my right knee.

The VA tried to slip a fast one by me. I'm rated at 30% for stomach issues. I have IBS and a history of ulcers both gastric & duodenal. I also have a history of GERD and ulcerative colitis. I did not reopen that claim, but the VA did. In a way, I'm glad the VA reopened it because it's gotten much worse. Since most of it is stress inducted and I'm under a tremendous amount of stress these days .... especially since my claim has been pending for almost a year .... well, you get the pictures. Let's just say the visual I gave the doctor wasn't pretty and I doubt they will reduce my rating for stomach issues.

I'll be almost totally honest. As I related all these issues to the PA, I cried. I was very, very honest with him regarding my quality of life and how my medical and mental health issues affect it. I went all the way down to some very intimate details which I will not share with you, invisible reader. There are some things better left unsaid. The nurse who was in the room with us was so affected by what I was saying that she was also crying. Whether the PA took notice, I don't know. I hardly looked at him. It was too hard to look at this total stranger that I was being forced to tell the most intimate details of my life to.

After a tortuous hour and one half, my physical exam was over. The nurse carried my backpack up to the front for me and told me the psychologist would probably call me back early instead of making me wait until my scheduled appointment time of 12:30. I wanted a cigarette and told her so. Jojo and I went out to have a smoke. When we came back in, the psychologist was waiting for me.

Round two began.

The first thing that struck me about the psychologist was how "mousy" she looked. She reminded me of the skinny kid in the playground who always stood by herself, alone in the corner, mousy brown, stringy, greasy hair, no friends with no one to talk to. I can't tell you anything about her facial features. They are a blank to me. All I can recall are those few features I've already related to you. It's as if her face is a blank slate. Maybe it's because when I got into her office I was physically and emotionally exhausted from the physical. All I wanted to do at that point was crawl into my bed and get some sleep. I could hardly keep my eyes open. I was in a lot of pain, my legs were swollen and hurting, I was crabby as hell and I wanted was to go home and not have to talk about my mental state with anyone.

Unfortunately, if I wanted to finish processing my claim, I had no choice. (I'm running out of steam so bear with me, invisible reader. If I start to make no sense I promise to come back tomorrow and make corrections after I've rested up). It was a very long hour with her as she asked question after miserable question. And to get the service connection, I had to be totally honest with a perfect stranger. I felt exposed. Totally raw and naked sitting there. Talking about wearing your heart on your sleeve. Mine was there and I felt like there were daggers being driven through it. I was also exhausted both physically and emotionally. I think I fell asleep on the psychologist no less than three times during my exam. That was one of the things I complained about though so I'm glad that she was able to witness it. It's difficult to have quality of life when you are sleeping most of it away.

Even as I write this I am struggling to stay awake. It's a com ... shit, I fell asleep and forgot what I was going to write. That's it. I'm done for today. I'm going to try to run this through the spell check and then I will finish it up tomorrow. No sense trying to finish up when I can't even hang onto my train of thought.

I'll be back tomorrow folks.

Until the next time ...

A little bit of my military history

I joined the Army at the age of 17, two weeks after my high school graduation. My mother told me to get a job or get out of her house. I did both. My plan was to spend three years in the Army, get out, go to college and have a "career." My "career" as it turns out was the Army. I loved everything about the Army. I retired in 1994 with 18 years, two months 14 days, 8 hours & 47 minutes time served. The year was 1994. I was able to retire early with full benefits due to the downsizing in the mid-90's. I was a Military Science (ROTC) Instructor at the Illinois Institute of Technology, University of Illinois - Chicago Campus & Northwestern University at the time. I had been transferred to Chicago on a compassionate reassignment because my mother was terminally ill. When she passed away, my heart was no longer in teaching. When I realized I couldn't give my all to my students I knew it was time to retire. I didn't want to hurt my students. It was the right decision. Had I stayed til 20 years it was only a difference of $100 a year. I wasn't going to sacrifice my students for $100 a year. They were future Army Officers who deserved more than I was capable of giving them at that time.

I went to WAC Basic Training at Fort McClellan during the months of October & November 1976. Alabama was very different from the city of Chicago where I grew up. That was the first time I saw racism. Schools in Chicago had been integrated for years. I was in Alabama in a platoon with women from the South who were full of hate. Our Platoon was integrated. I didn't get it. I had friends of all colors and I'm sure I made a few enemies because of it. I've only recently learned I may have been exposed to Agent Orange while I was there. I have to do more research on this topic.

I went to Ft Jackson, SC for AIT. I was a 71B, Clerk Typist. That was not my first choice of jobs. I wanted to do something like medical or legal clerk but had I taken those jobs I wouldn't have left Chicago until January of 1977. I wanted to leave at the end of the summer. The only jobs available to me in the time frame I was looking at (or so they told me -- I know better now after serving 7 years as a recruiter) were clerk typist or truck driver. I didn't have a drivers license so that left me one choice.

I had some really wonderful assignments over the years. Not a single one to complain about. In chronological order after AIT:

HQ/A 205th Trans Bn, Hanau, Germany Jan 77 - Oct 79
USA MEDDAC, Ft Leonard Wood, MO Oct 79 - Dec 81
HQ, 7ACATC, Vilseck, Germany Dec 81 - Mar 84
HHC, USAG, Ft Carson Mar 84 - Mar 88
Peoria Recruiting Bn, Peoria, IL Mar 88 - Mar 90
University of New Mexico ROTC BN Mar 90 - Jun 93
University of Illinois - Chicago ROTC BN Jun 93 - Sep 94 (Retired)

I had a lot of TDY's in there. I spent two entire summers at Fort Lewis, Washington. I went to PLDC, BNCOC, ANCOC, Drill Sergeant School (I blew out my right knee one week before graduation and was unable to finish.), Recruiting school, School of the Cadet Command. My favorite TDY was the 60 day TDY to Heidelberg, Germany. When I was reassigned to Fort Carson, my first duty section there was to the REFORGER Planning Group. I almost blew a gasket because I'd just returned from Germany. However, it was a special duty assignment and apparently, the Colonel spearheading the project had been screening 71L 201 Files. He picked mine for an interview. We met and he assured me it would be at least a year before I'd have to go back to Germany. When I did go back, as I said, it was a 63 day TDY. We stayed in the Holiday Inn and had rental cars while the field troops were in tent cities driving through the mud in jeeps.

I got married and divorced while I was in the Army. I realized I was a lesbian while I was in the Army. Of course, there was no "Don't Ask Don't Tell" back then so I hid very deep in that proverbial closet. I wasn't about to sacrifice my career for anyone, man or woman. My career was more important to me than my love or sex life.

I still miss being in the Army. It's just not the same in the civilian world. Friendships are different. Nothing personal against my civilian friends. I love them dearly. I have some that will be there for me at a moments notice. But my Veteran friends will ALWAYS be there for me. They don't have to check their schedule. They will drop everything to help me. I will drop everything for them. That's just the way it is with Veterans. They always have your back. It doesn't matter if they live next door or half a country away.

Until the next time ...

My knee since the Total Knee Replacement

I've been fighting for increases in my disability rating since my first rating of 20% in 1994 when I retired from the Army. It's been a long, slow battle. Over the course of the last 15 years I have gone from 20 % to 50% to 70% to 80% and back down to 70%. They reduced me back to 70% after my total knee replacement (TKR) because they "assumed" my knee would no longer be unstable. I was supposed to be scheduled for a C&P the 13th month after my TKR and that never happened. The reduction came automatically and no one ever did an exam on my knee.

The fact of the matter is my TKR failed miserably. The VA was unable to fit me into their surgery schedule so I was outsourced to the Florida Orthopedic Institute. After months of physical therapy with little progress, I knew something was wrong. The TKR was the 8th surgery I'd had on my left knee. I know my knee and I know my body. I know when something isn't right. I started complaining. I started complaining LOUDLY. I was still in an incredible amount of pain. My knee was still giving out all the time. My knee was still swollen all the time. My right knee was taking all my weight and it was starting to get worse.

My primary care physician sent me for xrays and a CT scan. The CT scan showed some abnormalities in the left knee. Finally they sent me back to the surgeon at Florida Orthopedic. He came in the exam room and asked me a couple of questions. He didn't look at the xrays. He didn't look at the CT Scan results. He didn't lay his hands on my knee. He barely listened to my complaints. He told me to "lose some weight" (I'd already lost 30 pounds since surgery), get some exercise (I'd already been through 6 months of physical therapy) and then he released me to go back to work. He told me there was nothing more that he could do for me.

I was still on major pain meds. I couldn't even drive myself to appointments because I didn't feel safe behind the wheel of a car. I was in so much pain I could hardly walk. I have to sit for an hour & elevate my legs for an hour to keep my knees, legs and ankles from swelling like sausages. And that crazy doctor wanted me to go back to work. I left his office very upset as you might imagine.

I went back to my primary care physician and kept complaining. She sent me to the pain clinic and eventually I ended up where I am now --- on all these drugs and on all this morphine. Earlier this year I saw a PA in the Ortho Clinic for my left shoulder. My shoulders are all screwed up because of the knee that was replaced. My knee gives out on me frequently. When it does, I fall. When I fall I somehow always manage to land on one shoulder or the other. And it seems I'm never near anything soft when I fall so I always land on the ground and I fall hard. The doctors want me to use a walker for obvious safety reasons but my shoulders are so painful and I've lost so much range of motion in them that I can't support myself on one. I have to use a cane. On Friday I see a surgeon to schedule surgery for my left shoulder and the right one isn't far behind. But I'm straying off topic.

When I saw the shoulder PA, he was asking me about my knee since it's the reason that I fall. He asked me who did the surgery and I told him. I also told him I don't want to go back to see him because he told me that there's nothing more that he can do for me. Those were the doctors exact words. "There is nothing more that I can do for you." The PA was very cynical about the doctors at Florida Orthopedic and basically told me that once they get their money for surgery they want nothing to do with the Veterans in terms of after care. I believe it. The PA said to me, "We have a very good knee specialist right here in the VA. I'll make sure you see him." I was thrilled. For the first time in two years I had hope! He called the unit secretary and had her set it up.

About two weeks later, I get a call from Rita Hall who is a caseworker at Haley VA. She was preparing my paperwork to outsource me back to Florida Orthopedic to see my original surgeon. I told her I didn't want to see him because he'd already told me there was nothing more he could do for me, so why waste the money on a consult. I told her I wanted to see the knee specialist in the VA Ortho Clinic. Well, it turns out that he saw the consult, reviewed my records, saw that Florida Orthopedic had done the original TKR and he refused to see me. He was the one who wanted me sent back to Florida Orthopedic. Apparently, he doesn't want to clean up someone else's mistake.

I finally have an appointment in the Ortho Clinic to see a knee doctor. He's a second rate knee doctor & I've seen him before. He's got a lousy reputation in the Ortho clinic, even among the doctors up there. But, he's done me right in the past. He was the one who gave me the connection in my medical records to get me service connection for my right knee. He will write just about anything that I ask him to & he will use the wording that I ask him to use. He may be a second rate doctor, but he's definitely a Veterans Advocate. I've been trying for years to service connect my right knee. I had the opportunity when I first retired and they denied me, but back then I had no help and I was very naive about the whole process. I wish I knew then what I know now but hindsight is always 20/20. It's just too bad that I'll be seeing him after my C&P this week.

I'm at my wits end with the VA. I've got doctors telling me they can't find anything wrong with my knee, yet it buckles all the time, it's still very swollen two years post-op, it's still extremely painful two years post-op and I have zero quality of life because of it. It's affected every part of my life and my body. My shoulders are now so painful from falling that when I go to bad at night, I pack soft pillows under them just to be able to sleep. I sleep on my back all night long. I don't roll over at all when I sleep. Ever. It's too painful to try to sleep on either side. I can't reach above me, behind me or to either side. Reaching in front is painful, too. You should see me sitting here typing. It won't be long before I develop carpal tunnel syndrome. As it is, I have tingling in my hands and arms when I wake up and now I'm supposed to sleep in hand braces -- both hands. Because I carry my weight on the right side of my body, my right knee is getting worse. It needs replacement, too, but until I do something about the instability of my left knee, I'm terrified of having surgery on my right knee. If I fall after surgery & damage the right knee, I could do permanent damage. Where does that leave me?

I need help dressing, showering, and help with all my daily living needs. I can't leave the house unless I have someone to drive me. The powers that be at the Haley VA Hospital say I don't meet the qualifications for a mobility scooter. I'm enrolled in the Independent Living Program under Vocational Rehabilitation and my Counselor is trying to "back door" me one, plus a lift for my car through ILP. Hopefully we'll be able to pull it off. All she needs is for my PCP to say that I need it. Fortunately, my PCP is in my corner and I'm sure I can get her to put it in my medical records that it's a medical necessity. My PCP is as frustrated with the system as I am.

I still have hope that the system will work for me. I have some good people in my corner at the VA Hospital. I have an awesome Voc Rehab Counselor who is fighting for me. Maybe I'm looking at the world through rose colored glasses but I have to have something to believe in.

Tomorrow I have two C&P exams. I'm hoping they go smoothly and I have good doctors. If they are male doctors, I'm going to have a problem. I have a fear of male doctors so I will be demanding a female chaperon before the exams commence. If you've read my blog, you'll know that I was sexually assaulted by an active duty gyn doctor during a routine examination when I was stationed in Germany. That doesn't exactly give you much faith in doctors.

On a more positive note, I got a call yesterday from my social security caseworker. I submitted my application for social security disability in January. By May, I had completed all the exams they wanted. I sent them copies of all my VA Medical Records for the last ten years. When the caseworker called yesterday, she said Atlanta had sent back my employment packet for some clarifications of my work history. We were able to get that all fixed via phone interview. She is going to fix the packet and transmit it back to Atlanta this week. I asked her, based on her experience, if she thought I had a chance of winning my case the first time through. She said she is fairly certain it's going to be approved. When I applied for SSD, I applied for it using the same issues that I applied to the VA for 100% IU. Social Security has copies of all my award letters so they know that I am 70% service connected. Since they are expediting military claims I suspect I will hear something by the end of the year at the very latest. Keep your fingers crossed.

Those are my thoughts for today.

Until the next time ....

Update on my Independent Living Program

Yesterday was a long day. My Voc Rehab Counselor is in Orlando, about a two hour ride from here. My ride was picking me up at 7:30. For me to be ready to go at 7:30, I had to wake up at 5:30. Why so early? When I get up in the morning, I'm in agonizing pain. I get out of bed and go straight to the bathroom to take my meds. I wash them down with a mouthful of water and on a regular day, I go back to bed and wait for pain relief before I start my day. However, since I had to get ready to leave the house, going back to bed wasn't an option yesterday morning. I couldn't chance going back to sleep. I sat down at the computer for an hour and a half, opened up a diet coke and waited for pain relief. Once my joints started to feel some relief, I got up and got dressed. I thought briefly about showering but Terri was asleep and I didn't want to wake her up. I need her help to shower. Thank goodness for baby wipes. Perfect for those quick clean ups.

My ride was here on time and at 7:30 we headed out to Orlando. I used to love to go on road trips. Now I hate them. Rather, now I hate the pain I'm in from riding in the car. I can't get comfortable in the car. What's worse is I can't ride in the back seat to stretch out because I get car sick. So I suffer through sitting in the front without elevating my legs. By the time I reach my destination, my legs are swollen and painful. A normal two hour ride isn't two hours anymore. I have to stop multiple times to stretch my legs. Oh yeah, I have to pee, too. I have cotton mouth from all the meds I take so I pee. A lot.

We got to the Voc Rehab office in Orlando just past 10 o'clock. Not too bad considering all the stops we made. I signed in and the clerk behind the counter was reading a novel. He never even looked up at me. That's what we pay our civil servants to do. Sit behind a counter, read novels and ignore Veterans. Of course I had to interrupt him. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. I asked him where my counselor was. He responded by asking me if I had an appointment. I told him I did and he wanted to know what time my appointment was. I told him I had driven in from Spring Hill and the arrangement I had with Hollie was that my appointment was whatever time I arrived. He told me to take a seat and that he'd try to locate her, but of course I stood there long enough to be sure he didn't stick his nose back in his novel.

Almost 30 minutes went by. I hobbled back up to the clerk & he was back with his nose in his book. I asked him if he'd found Hollie. That's when I saw her at the copy machine. She told me to hang on and she'd be right with me.

Finally, we went back to Hollie's office. At last I was going to get some answers! I like Hollie. She's been an awesome counselor so far. She's a good advocate for me. She had all my recent medical records pulled off the computer and we talked about those. We talked about my "diluted urine" and she's as pissed off about that as I am (Pun not intended). She told me the same thing that everyone else has said. She told me to demand a witness when I piss in the bottle. She told me to use the voice recorder when I request a test monitor. She's not an MD but she looked at the lab results. She said that all the results fall within normal limits so she doesn't see what the big deal is about the diluted urine.

I told her that my psychologist wants me to start making jewelry because I had mentioned to the psychologist that I used to make jewelry in high school. The stuff the psychologist wants me to do is very different from what I did back as a teen. When I made jewelry, I worked with silver and semi-precious stones. I cut all my own stones and designed my own jewelry. I worked with sheets of silver and soldered my own stuff. It was simple but it was beautiful. The stuff my psychologist is talking about is beading and hell, I don't know. But it's nothing that I know how to do & it's nothing I'm interested in learning. If I can get back into what I used to do, perhaps I can get the VA to build me a shop and provide me with all the tools I need to get back into it under the ILP.

For now though, we talked about my basic needs under the Independent Living Program. Because my memory sucks so bad, I tried to keep notes, but we were talking so fast I couldn't keep up. Hollie was taking extensive notes. When we finished talking, I asked her for a copy of her notes. Guess what she told me. Her notes were a part of my permanent record and if I wanted a copy I had to go to Release of Information to request a copy of them. I was flabbergasted. So, I guess my next project is to send a request to the VA and ask for a complete copy of my Voc Rehab records. I'd like to get a good look at them.

I thought when I went yesterday that I was going to sign my plan. That was the impression I was given. Of course, when dealing with the Government, we all know how that goes. Mostly what we did was TALK about my plan and what I wanted from it. I left there with "homework." Some of the things that are going into my plan that I'm hoping to get are a new bed, a lift chair, a recumbent stationary bicycle, a laptop coputer, a mobility scooter, and a lift for my SUV for the scooter. I've also asked for some ergonomic furniture. For the computer, I asked for some genealogy software (a family project I'm working on), voice activated software, Quickbooks, and Microsoft Office. They are going to send a Rehab Engineer to my house to check out my bathroom. I need a new commode, shower rails and the shower floor needs to be raised. They also need to get rid of the sliding glass doors. I have fallen in the shower multiple times and I just know that my luck is going to run out. One of these times I'm going to fall through those sliding glass doors. Will I get service connected when it slices my head clean off my neck? Won't that be one helluva battle.

My "homework" is pretty simple. I get to research lift chairs and pick out the one I want. I have to research voice activated software and pick out the one I want. The best one is I get to go bed shopping. Hollie told me to go out to the bed stores and just try out beds until I find one that I like. I know I can do that.

Oh! I forgot to tell you something else I asked for! I love to kayak. I have one that someone gave to me. It's a sit on top. It takes three people to put me in it. No shit. Three people. Terri ties a tow rope on it, attaches it to her kayak and then she does all the work. I can't paddle because my shoulders are too messed up. So, I asked for a trolling motor. The reasoning I gave is that it's a social outlet. It gets me out of the house so that I can spend time with friends. It's the only really "out there" request that I asked for.

The next step is Hollie has to write up everything we discussed yesterday and put it into my plan. Once that is completed she will send it to me to sign. After I sign it, she'll submit it for approval. Until then .... I wait. It seems I'm always waiting.

In the mean time, I've started my dear friend David down this path. Whatever path I embark on, as soon as I figure out how it works, I send him down the same path. He went to see his service officer today to inquire about enrolling in Voc Rehab. His service officer doesn't want him to enroll in Voc Rehab. It makes me wonder if his service officer knows about the Independent Living Program. My service officers insisted I enroll in Voc Rehab when I applied for 100% IU as a show of good faith. As I stated before I was reluctant to do it, but I'm glad that I did. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Service Officers don't follow the same protocol. Maybe they should.

Something else to ponder. I found out last night that I may have been exposed to Agent Orange while I was in basic training at Ft McClellan, Alabama in 1976. Like I don't already have enough to worry about?

Until the next time ....

Paper Waste. VA Tree Killers. More random thoughts.

Today I received 6 postcards from the VA Hospital. Count them. Six. They were reminder postcards for the appointments that I have coming up over the next two weeks. One of the postcards was for a new appointment. I got a letter in the mail yesterday regarding this "new appointment" in the PMR General Clinic. It took two days of phone calls to figure out what that appointment was for.

First of all, why does the VA Hospital feel the need to send you no less than three reminders for each appointment? I have stacks and stacks of reminders letters and postcards piled on my desk. Each time I get one, I open it up and compare it to what's written in my planner. The VA likes surprises. They will cancel your appointment and reschedule it. Then you'll get several postcards telling you your appointment has been canceled. You'll get several postcards and maybe a letter or two with instructions for the new appointment. Half the time they use such obscure abbreviations that I have to call the VA Hospital to find out what clinic the appointment is in.

Let's not forget those automated phone calls! Those come three days before your appointment. You know the calls. That automated voice reminding you that "The Patient born on December 18th, 1958 has two appointments on" ... But they don't tell you what the appointments are for. Wouldn't that be the time to tell you what clinic you are scheduled to go to in case you didn't get the mound of paperwork they sent you?

There must be an easier, more efficient way to do things. The VA is spending shitloads of money on paper reminders and automated systems to remind us multiple times of our appointments. Is it working? What is the no show rate? Where are the statistics? Is it overkill? Can that money be better spent somewhere else in the hospital? Perhaps they can use it to hire more doctors and reduce the waiting times for us. I know I'd love to cut my waiting time back.

Speaking of waiting times...

You go the the VA Hospital and you check in 20 minutes in advance like they tell you to do. You're there on time. The nurse calls you in for triage. No patient privacy there. You share a room with another Veteran while the nurse asks you personal questions about your health, gets your weight, blood pressure, temperature. Then you go back to the waiting room. So aptly named. The sign says, "If you have not been seen 20 minutes past your appointment time, please tell the clerk at the desk." You learn that it's not worth your time to tell the clerk. The clerk will tell you "doctor is behind in appointments today." I've waited as long as two hours to be seen. By the end of that two hours, I'm in so much pain from sitting, I can hardly move.

I get up and walk back to the doctors office when my name is finally called. The doctor tells me what I've heard before. "We don't know what is causing your pain. Here is a script for more pain meds. We're going to treat you symptomatically. I don't want to to be treated symptomatically. I want answers.

My PCP physician sent me back to the pain clinic because my monthly drug tests are coming back "abnormal." My urine is full of opiates as it should be. The Ph is normal. But my urine is "diluted." It has been for the last 3 months. That would suggest that I'm pouring water into my urine before I turn it in for the drug screen. I have offered to let them monitor me when I piss into the bottle. I have told them to take a sterile sample from me. Not one doctor has thought to look into the fact that something else might be going on. I have diluted urine, no appetite and I've lost almost 40 pounds in the last 3 or 4 months. Isn't it time to start looking into a medical reason for diluted urine? Isn't it time to stop pointing fingers and stop accusing me of ... of what? I have the appropriate amount of opiates in my system, my ph is normal. It stands to reason there is an underlying medical condition going on. I drink a ton of water every day. I must drink 8 or so bottles of water, if not more. Of course my urine is going to be diluted. Stop the finger pointing, Doctor, and get to the real reason for the diluted urine.

Until the next time.

A little bit about the Independent Living Plan

I wrote this today in response to an email on a veterans list I'm subscribed to. Someone was asking questions about the Independent Living Program. The Independent Living Program falls under the VA's Vocational Rehab Program and is probably one of the VA's best kept secrets. Used properly, it's a great program. Getting into it is not so easy. First, you have to know about it. Second, you have to apply for Vocational Rehab to get into it. Many veterans are not aware that they can apply to Vocational Rehab even if they are outside the 12 year window after they have been discharged from the military. They aren't aware that they can use Vocational Rehab a second time. They think that since they used Vocational Rehab when they first got out of the service to get a college education they are not eligible to use Voc Rehab a second time. WRONG ANSWER folks.

If your circumstances have changes since the first time you went through the program, you can reapply to Voc Rehab. Read my email response below. If you have questions after you read it, leave me a comment and I'll get back to you.

To get into ILP you first have to apply to Voc Rehab. If you are outside the 12 year window and you used Voc Rehab to get an education like I did when I retired in '94, you can still apply if your circumstances have changed drastically since the last time you were enrolled in Voc Rehab.

I applied to Voc Rehab in October 08 at the same time I applied for 100% IU. I did it as a show of good faith at the urging of my VSO. I didn't have a good experience with Voc Rehab the first time around and I was reluctant to reapply. The first time around my Voc Rehab counselor was very unresponsive to my needs. It wasn't just me either. It was all the veterans at the University I was enrolled in. We all knew each other and of course we all talked on a regular basis. She rarely returned phone calls and getting something we needed out of the program was like pulling teeth. My VSO insisted so I did what every good soldier does and I followed orders and I applied.

I am glad that I reapplied. So far, this is the best thing that has happened to me. I went for my first Voc Rehab orientation last November 08. After about two hours of a general orientation, I sat down with a counselor for a one on one. She had access to my medical records and she had reviewed them extensively. She knew what my service-connected disabilities were and she also knew what my other health issues were. The really great thing about Voc Rehab & the ILP is that it doesn't just focus on your service connected disabilities. Voc Rehab looks at the total person and all your health issues.

My counselor and I talked at great length about what I expected from the program. I told her about my first experience with Voc Rehab and why I was so reluctant to reapply. Because I have so many health issues going on, my counselor and I decided together that the best plan for me was to go into an extended evaluation. The way I was in November, I was in no shape to attempt to go back to school. The plan was for me to work on my health and attempt to get healthy enough to go back to school.

After several months, my health has continued to decline so my counselor issued a Feasibility Letter stating that I am not a candidate for continuing education or retraining nor am I a candidate for gainful employment due to my overall health issues. She sent a copy of that letter to the VARO & I sent a copy of it to be included in my claims packet as additional evidence to support my claim for IU.

The next step was to start me in the ILP. My Voc Rehab counselor did the paperwork to have a Rehab Social Worker interview me in my home to evaluate my needs. That was done in July. The social worker spent about 2 or 3 hours with me. She walked through my house to see what I needed in terms of renovations for handicapped accessibility. She has requested that a Rehab Engineer come to my home because my bathroom needs some major work. Voc Rehab will pay for all of that.

The social worker also requested that I be given a laptop computer. When I sit at a desktop computer, my knees, legs and ankles swell up tremendously making it painful and difficult to walk. She's also recommended that Voc Rehab give me a mobility scooter since I'm having such a hard time getting one from the VA Hospital. On top of that, I have requested a recumbent stationary bicycle so that I can get some cardio exercise, a lift chair since I have a hard time getting out of chairs, and ergonomic furniture. According to Bruce McCartney, I can request just about anything that I want, within reason of course, and if it fits into my plan, I should get it. If I decide I want to take up photography as a hobby, I can request a camera. ILP will pay for a camera. You are only limited by your imagination.

The purpose of ILP is twofold. It's designed to get you back into the community as a productive member of society and it's designed to help you get what you need to live more independently. I can't drive anymore. The nearest bus stop is exactly one mile from my house. I can't walk to it. I have a regular wheelchair, but my shoulders are so screwed up that I can't roll myself to get to it. Basically, unless a friend or my caregiver take me somewhere, I have become very isolated in my home. The computer is my link to the outside world. My Voc Rehab counselor is trying to get me back into the community. That's one of the goals of my plan.

I have an appointment on the 17th of August to sign my ILP plan so I'll know more then. I'll be happy to keep you posted on the details if you'd like. I just started a blog. I'm new to blogging but I thought it might be an easy way to chronicle my battle with the VA rather than inundate the lists with long emails like this one. I'll add the link to my signature once I get it up and running.

If you have any more questions, feel free to ask them. The Independent Living Program is out there. As it says in the article, it's just not advertised. It falls under Vocational Rehab. Too many veterans think that because they are outside the 12 year window or they have already used Voc Rehab, they can't use it. I'm here to tell you, you can go back into Voc Rehab. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't use it twice. Don't let anyone tell you that because you're outside the 12 year window you can't apply. I retired from the Army in 1994. It's 2009. You do the math.

An overview of my current battle. Some history.

I wrote the following some time ago but I feel it's the appropriate first post for my blog. It's a general overview of my current battle with the VA. In time I'll go into further detail. I am also enrolled in the Independent Living Plan of the Vocational Rehab Program and I want to chronicle how that is going as well. Bear with me, invisible reader. We will get through this together. I hope you will learn from my adventures.


I filed for my initial rating in 1994 when I first retired from the Army. First rating was returned at 20%. It took 14 months to come back. I was naive about the system back then or I would've filed a NOD because they totally screwed me on service connection for my left shoulder and right knee. I applied and was approved for Vocational Rehab. That took another 12 months to get approved. I used it to go to school. I earned a degree in psychology and used that degree as a management tool. I worked in the animal care field managing veterinary hospitals and animal boarding facilities until I could physically no longer work in that field due to my service connected disabilities in 2005.

As I got older, my service connected disabilities worsened. While I was living in Albuquerque I reopened my claim and requested an increase in my rating based on continuing treatment of my service connected disabilities. My left knee had gotten worse -- arthritis had settled in. My IBS was out of control -- I suffer from chronic diarrhea. I have impingement syndrome in my right shoulder and I have lost range of motion because it has gotten worse. I have broken several teeth and continue to wear a bite guard due to bruxism (I was diagnosed with it while on active duty). That came back and my disability rating was increased to 50%. That was approved in Jan of 2006. It took almost two years alone just to get the bruxism approved. No one seemed to know what bruxism was or who was supposed to handle a dental claim. When the bruxism was approved, they also approved TMJ as a secondary condition. I didn't even know that I had TMJ.

In November 2006 I had to go in for knee surgery. My left knee had gotten progressively worse. Months of physical therapy and the use of a brace hadn't helped it. There was so much damage to my left knee and so much scar tissue they had a difficult time getting into the actual capsule to look behind my knee cap. What they saw was not pretty. They cleaned out some of the scar tissue but that was all they could do at that point in time. I was diagnosed with Degenerative Joint Disease and Grade 4 Chrondomalacia. A complication of that surgery was a loss of range of motion and the beginning of chronic pain. My doctor advised me that in 6 months, after I healed from that surgery, I would have to go back in for a total knee replacement. However, because I moved to Florida in February 2007, I had to start the medical process all over again at the Tampa VA.

Because of the surgery in November 2006, I was unable to perform the duties of my job. I was a civilian Army recruiter. I couldn't drive a government vehicle because of the pain medications. I was on crutches and couldn't carry my recruiting "gorilla" bag. You cannot be an effective recruiter from behind a desk. I was unable to get to my schools, go to parent conferences, recruit on the streets, etc. I left that job and have not worked since. I moved to Florida in Feb 2007 and attempted to find work, but when you go on a job interview and you walk in using a cane and wearing a knee brace, no matter what your qualifications are, most employers aren't interested. To be honest, I wouldn't hire me. I knew that I was waiting to go into surgery for a knee replacement and I'd be out for a couple of months anyway. That didn't make me a good candidate anywhere. When I walked in for an interview I could see it in the eyes of the manager conducting the interview. I have enough of an HR background to know they can't ask about my physical abilities but they are legally entitled to ask if I can meet the physical qualifications required to perform the job I am being considered for. I was honest with potential employers. I let them know up front that I would be going in for knee replacement and would be out for a couple of months. All I received were letters of rejection stating they had hired a candidate more qualified to fill the position.

At that point, I reopened my claim again for another increase due to chronic pain, the diagnosis of DJD, grade 4 chrondomalacia, and knee instability. My claim was approved and my rating was increased to 80%. That was approved in June 2007, the same month that I went in for a total knee replacement but I didn't get the approval letter until October of 2007.

After the knee replacement, I went on Temp 100% until August of 2008. Effective September 1, 2008, my rating was decreased to 70% because they said that my knee should be stable because it had been replaced. Not one ortho doctor ever examined my knee or asked me how I was doing. They never called me back for a Comp & Pension exam to reevaluate my knee like they were supposed to do. If they had, they would have seen that the surgery had failed miserably.

I take 90mg's of morphine, 600mgs of topomax and 7.5 mgs of mobic just to get through each day. My doctor wanted to put me on oxycodone for break through pain but that stuff makes me high and I don't want it. I'd rather deal with the pain. As it is, I struggle just to stay awake through the day with all the meds that I have to take.

I can no longer live alone. My shoulders are so screwed up from falling that I can't lift my left arm to wash my own hair. The VA has outsourced me to the Florida Orthopedic Institute (FOI) for surgery on my left shoulder. Haley VA is so backlogged they can't get me in for surgery until October or November. I am scheduled to see the FOI Surgeon on 21 August. It's been so long since I was able to move my left arm because of pain that my left arm has started to atrophy. My right shoulder isn't too far behind it. I've already had one injection of cortisone in my right shoulder. It's my understanding the max you can have in any joint is three. The falls are not from the medications that I take. The falls are due to the failed left knee replacement. My knee buckles without warning and when I fall, I always manage to land hard on one shoulder or the other. My primary care physician and my pain management doctor want me to use a walker for safety reasons but my shoulders are so painful that I can't support myself on a walker. I do the best that I can on a cane. My primary care physician put in a request for a motorized scooter for me but I don't meet the quals for one. She wrote a consult to send me to the "Falls Clinic" but they are so back logged that my appointment isn't until September.

My partner helps me to dress and undress. She has to help me in and out of the shower. She has to wash my hair for me. She does my laundry for me because I can't carry a laundry basket to the laundry room. I can't cook for myself because I forget that the stove is on and I am afraid of burning down the house. My doctor has forbidden me to drive and has written that in my medical records. When we go shopping, I have to ride in a motorized cart. I can't push a shopping cart anymore. If I sit for more than 30 minutes at a time my legs begin to swell and my ankles turn to cankles. I have been issued compression stockings but they don't help much. Sitting at the desktop computer is painful and uncomfortable but I broke my laptop recently. My knee gave out when I stood up and as I was falling I hit my computer stand on the way down and my laptop hit the floor and broke. If we are in a public place and the handicapped stall is not available and I can't wait to use the restroom, Terri has to help me down onto the toilet. When I am finished, she has to lift me off the toilet.

Last October 2008 I applied for 100% based on Individual Unemployability. As a show of good faith, I also applied for Vocational Rehabilitation. You can use Voc Rehab more than once if your circumstances have changed drastically since the last time you went through the program and mine have. I wanted to go back to school for my Master's in Social Work. I would love nothing more than to work with veterans like myself. Voc Rehab put me into an extended evaluation program for several months to monitor my health issues before making a decision on my case. Each month, my health has continued to deteriorate. My Voc Rehab counselor worked very closely with my primary care physician. My Voc Rehab counselor has access to all my VA Health care records so it's not like I can go in there every month and bullshit her. She sees the records in black and white. After four months of seeing no progress in my health, in fact, a steady decline in my physical and emotional health, I was turned down for the school portion of Voc Rehab. It makes good sense if you think about it. I can't drive to school. I can't concentrate. I am in way too much pain to sit, stand or do much of anything for more than a very short period of time. Why waste the money on sending me to school? My Voc Rehab Counselor issued what's called a Feasibility Letter and and sent it to the VA Regional Office for inclusion in my disability packet. What the letter says is that I am not a candidate to return to school or gainful employment. The next step is the Independent Living Track. My Voc Rehab Counselor drew up paperwork to have a contracted Social Worker come to the house to evaluate me at home to determine what I need at home to make it more handicapped friendly. I already have shower bars, a raised toilet and a shower chair but those are temporary fixes. This hasn't been a speedy process either. My Voc Rehab Counselor drew up the paperwork for the social worker evaluation three months ago. The Social Worker finally, two weeks ago, came to my house and did her evaluation. She made her recommendation to my Voc Rehab counselor that I be given a laptop computer so that I can elevate my legs when I am online. She recommended that a Rehab Engineer come to my house to evaluate my bathroom for renovations to make it easier for me to get in and out of the shower. She recommended that a new, raised toilet be permanently installed. The one that I have in my bathroom now is not stable, safe or sanitary. She recommended to my Voc Rehab Counselor that I be given a motorized scooter and a lift for my vehicle. She says that I am socially isolated and that if I have a motorized scooter, I can at least get to a bus stop so that I can get out of the house on my own. My Voc Rehab counselor agreed with all of these recommendations but due to training she has to attend, she will not be able to start working on any of this until the beginning of August. Because the VARO has not approved my claim for 100%, I am only eligible for a one time grant of $4200 for home renovations. Anything above and beyond that, because I am in the Independent Living Track of Voc Rehab, Voc Rehab will foot the bill.

If I get approved for 100% that opens up a whole new realm of benefits that will help take the burden of caring for me off of Terri. We struggle financially for one. I know, who isn't in this economy? Our house needs renovations because eventually I will be in a chair. They are renovations that neither of us have money for. The VA will pay for that and that's a huge relief for us. We have two boys in college right now and money is tight.

The reason I'm pissed is because the VA is lying about the processing time. The average processing time is NOT 179 days. Ask any veteran who has been waiting to get a claim through in the last 8 years and they will tell you. Veterans pay good money in lifetime dues to the VFW, the American Legion & the DAV. Those organizations prepare our claims for us and represent us in our claims yet they do nothing when the VA tells John Q Public that they are processing claims in 180 days. Someone is lining their pockets with a lot of money to keep quiet.

Yes, part of the backlog problem is the new veterans of Iraq & Afghanistan. They are getting preferential treatment when it comes to processing their claims and it's pissing off a lot of us older veterans. Their claims are being pushed to the front of the cue while ours keep getting pushed further and further back in the cue. Turn around time for the new veterans is about 4 months thanks to something called Tier Two. Tier Two is causing a huge division in Veterans. It's becoming an us against them young'uns issue. Older veterans are dying because of it. And as soon as a Veteran dies, the VA stops processing their claims. By law, the claim is to continue processing because the surviving spouse is due any back pay owed to the deceased veteran. Case in point, read the story of Irish Brennan, a female Vietnam Veteran who passed away recently. Google it. I'm also fairly certain I published her story on my Facebook page somewhere.

The St Pete, FL, VA Regional Office which is processing my claim has the largest backlog of claims over 180 days in the United States according to the Monday Morning Workload Report. It's no wonder I've been waiting since October 2008 for my claim to process.

One more issue I am dealing with and this is very recent. First, let me give you some background. Over the last few months, I have been in touch with a lot of veterans who are victims of Military Sexual Trauma. I am working with a group of them, trying to help them fight for benefits. MST is difficult to prove because the burden of proof is on the victim. Because most victims are diagnosed with PSTD, military shrinks refuse to acknowledge and assign a diagnosis of PTSD to women because their belief is that PTSD is only caused by combat service. And we all know, women aren't allowed to be in combat, right?

Seven weeks ago, I was sitting on my bed and out of the clear blue I had a flashback. It came out of nowhere and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried for two solid days. Now, seven weeks later, it's flinging around in my head like a boomerang and I still don't know what to do with it. My VA psychiatrist thinks the flashback was triggered by my close contact with all the women victims of MST I've been in touch with recently. I had locked this memory up nice and tight and safe and away in a place where it couldn't touch me. For whatever reason, it chose seven weeks ago to reach out and touch me.

I was stationed in Vilsek, Germany at Rose Barracks from December 1981 to Feb 1984. It was either early 82 or 83 that I went in for my annual pap smear and birth control refill. I was young, early 20's, and thought doctors were to be trusted. The doctor told me to get into the gown and get on the table so I did as I was told. I was an E4 and he was an O3, I believe, so there was also that whole military rank thing going on. There was no nurse or other chaperon in the room and I didn't think anything of it. During the internal portion of the exam, the doctor said to me, "I'm going to push down on your ovaries. You tell me if this hurts." He pushed down so hard that I screamed out in pain and started to cry. He said to me, "Remember that. That's what it feels like when you kick a man in the balls." I didn't stay to complete the exam. I got off the table, got dressed and left the TMC. When I got back to my duty section I was in hysterics. My husband asked me what was wrong and I told him everything. He wanted to go back to the TMC and kill the guy. Instead of doing that, we reported the doctor through the appropriate channels. I remember writing up a statement and having to turn it in. I don't know what happened to the doctor, but he was gone by the following week.

For twenty years I have been terrified of male doctors. I can't be in a room with one by myself and if I am, I can't get a single word out of my mouth. Until I had that flashback, I never knew why. I repressed that memory for 20 years. I won't sit here and tell you that I have PTSD. I don't have anger issues or any of the clinical signs of PTSD that I have seen in my friends that I know have PTSD. I will not put in a claim for PTSD. But I have suffered Military Sexual Trauma. Will I put in a claim for it? I don't know. I have contacted my ex-husband and he doesn't remember the incident. He was a very heavy drinker back in those days. I'm lucky he remembers being married to me. I have written to St Louis and requested a copy of my medical records because the incident was recorded in them when it happened. Hopefully it wasn't removed from them by someone trying to cover that officer's ass.

Now I can begin to wrap things up for you. I reopened my claim in October 2008. I requested 100% IU with Aid & Attendance. I requested an increase in my left knee. I requested service connection for my right knee as a secondary condition. I have a statement from a VA ortho surgeon stating that my right knee now needs to be replaced because they harvested parts from the right knee in an attempt to repair the left knee. The right knee is now arthritic and has grade four chrondomalacia. I also requested service connection for depression as a secondary condition. I have been under the care of a VA psychiatrist for over two years now with a diagnosis of major depressive disorder. It is caused by my service connected health issues.


In December 2008 I received a letter from the VA telling me they had received my claim and needed some additional forms from me along with some additional evidence. I sent all that in. In April 2009 they sent me another letter requesting further information. I sent that in as well. In early June 2009 they told me that I had amended my claim to ADD aid & attendance and that my claim was now back at the bottom of the cue because of that amendment. Fortunately I was able to show proof that Aid & Attendance was part of my original claim dated October 2008. If I had not been able to show proof it would have meant a potential loss of 7 months of back pay if I get approved for aid and attendance.

I did an inquiry via the VA website to get an update on the status of my claim and was told it had gone to the Rating Board on 26 May 09. I waited 30 days and checked again only to be told I had been "misinformed" and that my claim had not been sent to the Rating Board on 26 May. I copied and pasted the response I had received telling me it had been boarded on 26 May and asked for an explanation of the discrepancy. I was told it was a "clerical error."

As of today, all the documents that are needed to send my packet to the Rating Board have been received. They have enough medial evidence to make a decision and they have said I don't need to go in for a physical exam because I am in the doctor's office several times each month. For all intents and purposes, my packet is theoretically sitting on a desk at the VA Regional Office collecting dust while it waits to go before the Rating Board. There is nothing left to do to my packet according to the Regional Office and no one can answer why it isn't before the Rating Board.

Update***

On Friday, I received a letter from the VA dated 8/5/09 directing me to report to the VA Hospital Tuesday, Auguest 29th, for two C& P examinations. Finally I am seeing some progress in my claim. I have two appointments that day although my letter doesn't specify what the exams are. I suspect one is orthopedics and the other is either psychiatry or psychology. It's a step in the right direction.